"Well I don't know how and I don't know why, but when something's living, well you can't say die, you feel like laughing but you start to cry, I don't know how and I don't know why..." Passenger
It's the third time in ten minutes and he is at our table again. "Is there anything I can get you...?" I look up to see our waiter at our table ...again. I am with a friend I haven't seen in several years. We live in the same city, not really that far apart, but we just haven't been in touch. We are busy catching each other up...and there he is again, and it is beginning to get annoying.
I am not sure why we haven't been in touch. We like each other, and share some things in common, on a couple of levels at least - vodka caesars, unfulfilled dreams, and a deep desire to be of value to others in spite of our mutual distaste of people. I am in the midst of transitioning through a deep current of darkness and anger following an extended period of fasting and meditation. Go figure! I have decided it best to quarantine myself from my partner and son for a while in order to contain it. It is irritating and painful and I don't know why.
I have called her in an act of intuitive impulsivity, almost as if we've been closely in touch and there has never been any separation. "Hi Tracy, I am in the neighbourhood, are you free to go for a coffee or drink?" I ask. "I could be there in about 20 minutes..." Clearly, I had caught her by surprise...but I explained, "You have been on my mind for a while." A brief pause and then, "Umm...well OK...20 minutes, sure, do you remember where I live?"
As we sit up-dating at a local restaurant, a couple of caesars in...here he is again, for no good reason that I can see, asking us if we want anything, when it is quite clear that we don't. I am thinking, "Yeah, we would like for you to just go away!" As I explore how I am going to share that in some socially acceptable way, I notice his expression and hesitate for a moment...and as I do I am overwhelmed with a feeling of grief and sadness bordering on a level of despair. I forget myself for a moment, just a moment, but that's all it takes...I begin to feel a vulnerability, albeit a sanctioned vulnerability, that quickly turns to tears as I release myself to my heart, that soft and gentle caring part I keep so well hidden and buried deep inside. Those tears, those goddam tears, those tears that always give me away, that reveal to me and everyone else that this is no Joe Cool here...nope, this is...someone else.
"You wouldn't be a Pisces, would you?" I say taking note of the surprised expression on his face. "Why yes...how did you know?" he replies. I choose to ignore his question and feel the energetic connection deepen. "You're not very happy here are you? "Well...uh...," he hesitates and I can see the question has caused him to feel uneasy. "What was it you really wanted to be doing.....?" I ask, as if he might find that question a bit less awkward to respond to. "Well, actually I had applied to a school for the creative arts. I was not accepted." A sadness crosses his face and his head tilts slightly. "I really had hoped to get in, but my application was rejected, and so I guess I just decided to get on with making a living." His resignation and sadness were evident as he swept some nonexistent crumbs off the table. "Are you aware that I can see your sadness about that choice?" I asked. "Yes", he replied in a surprisingly relaxed way. "Do you want to know what else I see?" I asked without really waiting for his reply. "Your original creative impulse, which moved you to apply to the school, was the real, deeper truth here for you...but a part of you has given up on the dream of your creative expression... and the sadness of that choice has brought you here to our table. "Nothing happens by chance," I said, "and my friend, and if you could see what I can see, you would see that your light is still lit and it is burning brightly, just awaiting your return. You can make a choice, and you can make it tonight, to remember your gift and to set it right...!" He brightened and then brightened again. "Thank you," he said. "Thank you so much, so very much for that." He smiled and backed away gracefully, leaving a quiet peaceful space where he had stood.
Three caesars later, he helped us smuggle two untouched drinks out of the restaurant in a soup container. I looked back at him as we made our getaway. He smiled quietly at the two of us and mouthed a silent thank you.
"And I...well all I seem to do is cry...and I don't seem to know the reason why...why I just can't seem to say goodbye" SNN
I Don't Know Why...
I am not sure why we haven't been in touch. We like each other, and share some things in common, on a couple of levels at least - vodka caesars, unfulfilled dreams, and a deep desire to be of value to others in spite of our mutual distaste of people. I am in the midst of transitioning through a deep current of darkness and anger following an extended period of fasting and meditation. Go figure! I have decided it best to quarantine myself from my partner and son for a while in order to contain it. It is irritating and painful and I don't know why.
I have called her in an act of intuitive impulsivity, almost as if we've been closely in touch and there has never been any separation. "Hi Tracy, I am in the neighbourhood, are you free to go for a coffee or drink?" I ask. "I could be there in about 20 minutes..." Clearly, I had caught her by surprise...but I explained, "You have been on my mind for a while." A brief pause and then, "Umm...well OK...20 minutes, sure, do you remember where I live?"
As we sit up-dating at a local restaurant, a couple of caesars in...here he is again, for no good reason that I can see, asking us if we want anything, when it is quite clear that we don't. I am thinking, "Yeah, we would like for you to just go away!" As I explore how I am going to share that in some socially acceptable way, I notice his expression and hesitate for a moment...and as I do I am overwhelmed with a feeling of grief and sadness bordering on a level of despair. I forget myself for a moment, just a moment, but that's all it takes...I begin to feel a vulnerability, albeit a sanctioned vulnerability, that quickly turns to tears as I release myself to my heart, that soft and gentle caring part I keep so well hidden and buried deep inside. Those tears, those goddam tears, those tears that always give me away, that reveal to me and everyone else that this is no Joe Cool here...nope, this is...someone else.
"You wouldn't be a Pisces, would you?" I say taking note of the surprised expression on his face. "Why yes...how did you know?" he replies. I choose to ignore his question and feel the energetic connection deepen. "You're not very happy here are you? "Well...uh...," he hesitates and I can see the question has caused him to feel uneasy. "What was it you really wanted to be doing.....?" I ask, as if he might find that question a bit less awkward to respond to. "Well, actually I had applied to a school for the creative arts. I was not accepted." A sadness crosses his face and his head tilts slightly. "I really had hoped to get in, but my application was rejected, and so I guess I just decided to get on with making a living." His resignation and sadness were evident as he swept some nonexistent crumbs off the table. "Are you aware that I can see your sadness about that choice?" I asked. "Yes", he replied in a surprisingly relaxed way. "Do you want to know what else I see?" I asked without really waiting for his reply. "Your original creative impulse, which moved you to apply to the school, was the real, deeper truth here for you...but a part of you has given up on the dream of your creative expression... and the sadness of that choice has brought you here to our table. "Nothing happens by chance," I said, "and my friend, and if you could see what I can see, you would see that your light is still lit and it is burning brightly, just awaiting your return. You can make a choice, and you can make it tonight, to remember your gift and to set it right...!" He brightened and then brightened again. "Thank you," he said. "Thank you so much, so very much for that." He smiled and backed away gracefully, leaving a quiet peaceful space where he had stood.
Three caesars later, he helped us smuggle two untouched drinks out of the restaurant in a soup container. I looked back at him as we made our getaway. He smiled quietly at the two of us and mouthed a silent thank you.
"And I...well all I seem to do is cry...and I don't seem to know the reason why...why I just can't seem to say goodbye" SNN
